My life... the rant.

So this is going to be long, but be prepared. I am hoping this is deep enough that you feel what im feeling, and are thankful that you can walk away from this knowing your life isnt mine.

So today (yesterday if its friday) I got a call and from my bro and my sister (not ashley, but my sis through my dad) she made a comment about me for no reason that really got to me. She is getting married to a guy who cheats on her regularly (like as in 2 months ago got caught)... and naturally my brother said he didnt approve and she had the audacity to tell my Brother this: That she doesnt get WHY he doesnt approve of her marriage (to the cheating man) yet he approves of me and alex since we are living in sin. Um. Can I ask you why I was brought up in your petty tyrade? Sounds petty but it hits close to home.

I also realized that this is why I am NOT in touch with my dad. Yes we have made up our differences, but do you think that I could bring alex over to my dads house? NO.. would his beliefs get in the way, Yep...I know he blames my mom for me being gay, but oh he couldnt be farther from the truth. Would it be best if I didnt exist? Im sure you've thought that Oscar.. or Dad i should say. Remember not talking to me? Remember avoiding me at my uncle's funeral? God I could go on about you. But get this... you know the bible you read out of to throw your beliefs on me, I Probably know it better than you... I can throw scriptures at you and you will KNOW to keep your mouth shut and remember per your bible.. that the only one to judge is your God. I see the same belief in my sisters comments above. So I know where they came from. While I am hurt yes... I am used to it by this point. We only get one life to live, and have I EVER been mean to you or hurt you? NO i doubt it, so why would you do that to me? do you love me? nah... If you did you would realize that love is unconditional.

You know being gay isnt easy, in fact its downright ugly at times. (have you seen me with no make up at times =p) LOL kidding. But I am positive that people who are brought up in christianity are convinced that we CHOSE this life. You know something, dealing with predjudice, being called faggot, having shit thrown at you, having your family tell you you cant drink out of the same glasses, Having family call you sinner because we are related to a pastor, Having the YOUTH paster at your church tell you, that girls probably dogged you out and thats what happened, or living in the fear or being outed and having people hate you and protest your existance and not given the right to love witout predjudice.. isnt a cake walk.

If I HAD a choice, I would have a wife and kids and have this LIFE i was instructed was the RIGHT way. Well the easier way I guess. I know that in my life it isnt right for me. In your eyes im living in sin, in my eyes, im living my life the best way I know how and being happy being myself, loving and being loved.

And then I realize that no matter WHAT you say or WHAT you think.. im not accountable for YOUR own actions or YOUR beliefs but I am accountable for mine. I want people who think my life is evil and that YOUR better than me because your going to heaven and per YOUR rules, I am not.. guess what, that finger of blame your pointing.. shove it up your ass.. I am done hiding from you, from your words, from your beliefs. And in doing so, I am out from your shadows and into the light. Love it? Like it? I hope so, because I LOVE ME.

Paz.