Loosing yourself

So it is saturday night, and I am here at home wondering why I didnt go anywhere or do anything. Im also thinking about how I have changed. You know, there was a time when every Saturday I would go out and drink and have fun with the guys. When you get into a relationship and as you grow up that changes. However with time, I am noticing that its not always exciting.
Often times I question my relationship as Alex worked his magic to sedate me. In my social circle I am alomst non existant. I am often in this cloud of boredom at home. You know with Alex I didnt settle, he is amazing. However, I do wonder if had i waited to see how life WOULD be, if I would have pursued this relationship. I feel like a shell of my former self. And as a gay fellow, I dont have to hit the clubs to be social. I just have to be social to be social.. where did that go?

When I got with Chris, I had this seporate life. It was a dual existance. I had this BF no one saw, who loved me but it was bitter. Our family existances were different and we never related.

Fast forward to the present. I find someone who I DO relate to and we have a very solid family bond, yet I can't help but think there is something missing from this picture. The love is there, but were in this rut of just existing. He never wants to partake in my social existance, so i sacrifice plans regularly to feel like i am conforming to keep him happy. Yet he never says anything about it, it just is what it is. Hmm... where is this going? Im not sure, but its how im feeling.. sedated, bored, curios?